On Being Mysterious
I recently solved a conflict I‘ve had for years. Here‘s what I learned.
Remark:
This is part of my 7-day challenge to write a blog post every day. They’re not gonna be the most eloquent or polished, but it’s gonna be helpful for me, and maybe also for some of you out there.
Also, I know the thumbnail looks very dramatic, BUT IT IS A DRAMATIC MATTER, OKAY?! 😮💨
I don‘t know for how many of you this is relatable, but for a long time, I‘ve run the genius mastermind 5D-chess strategy of being distant to the people I want to become close to.
This could look like meeting a bunch of new people and basically ignoring the ones I found the most interesting. Or avoiding to show how much I care about friends I perceived as more emotionally distant.
Now, I know this will come as a shock, but this strategy didn‘t lead to the desired outcome. And the latest after meeting Jack from England at a summer
party who I perceived as soooo cool (he was in a band and listened to The Smiths, what more do you want) but totally ignored and then mourned over for months, I realized that this wasn‘t working.
Why did I continue then? Where‘s the conflict here?
In the first case, it was mostly that I felt like people are more intrigued by mystery. Something you gotta figure out. That is not easy to get or always available (for everyone reading this wondering whether that‘s why I didn‘t reply for months – no. I‘m just still kinda bad at that).
In the second case, I think it was a protection mechanism. When I felt like the other person was more distant I held back the amount of warmth and affection I felt. I didn‘t want it to be too much, overwhelming, unbalanced.
So these were the reasons I didn‘t completely abandon those patterns after the summer party.
But what changed?
Well, while all these aspects certainly are existing psychological mechanisms and apply to selling shit, I realized there are a few other things that counteract them when it comes to relationships.
And those things mostly boil down to this glorious principle: If it‘s not a “Fuck Yes!“ it‘s a No. (I recommend reading the whole article for a better understanding, but) the case is this:
Why would you ever be excited to be with someone who is not excited to be with you? If they’re not happy with you now, what makes you think they’ll be happy to be with you later? Why do you make an effort to convince someone to date you when they make no effort to convince you? What does that say about you? That you believe you need to convince people to be with you? (Hint: it implies that you wouldn’t even want to be with yourself.)
This principle can be applied to a lot of things (and has e.g. made a lot of decisions way easier and more satisfying for me), but when it comes to people it means that if either one of you doesn‘t feel it, it‘s not gonna work. Sure, sometimes making people more interested in you can work in the short term, but what good does it do if you don't connect in the long run?
If that‘s the case I think it‘s better to find that out than to hide.
Because as my boi Mark describes, the only problems that might arise are either not finding enough people you feel a “Fuck Yes” for, or not enough people feeling a “Fuck Yes” for you.
Which I think both can be improved. So getting an honest picture seems to still be more beneficial in the long run.
And if the root is good, all this symptom-managing is useless.
If it’s right, me honestly showing how I’m feeling is not gonna be too much.
I can be the open book I am and they’re still gonna want to know me without artificial mystery (+ with a healthy conversation balance there tends to remain enough mystery anyway).
And if I am living life the way I wanna, I have enough to do, so scarcity is really not a concern. If I’m not needy, why should people perceive me as needy? I have shit going on. I have other good relationships.
Yet, I still care and want to signal that. Because both of us shouldn’t care if the other person doesn’t care.
If I feel like I’m not getting back the same affection/investment back, then it’s a no (and this can be a no to very close contact, but a “Fuck yeah” to a call every few months. Just be honest about it).
Then it doesn’t matter anyway. Playing independent backfires, because it makes you more dependent. Trying too hard to adjust, to please the other person, has all sorts of negative effects.
I found that this uselessness also applies to most other things I did that fall in the category of “trying to signal how cool I am”. Not only that they backfire, but I also think that they are much less important than other things.
It helps to think about what makes me want to become friends with people. This is much more about things in the direction of “How do I feel around them?”.
Do I feel seen, cared for, inspired?
Do we have fun together and make each other laugh?
Do they send me random facts about spiders?
I’m sure in rare cases trying to make people initially more intrigued can make sense, but probably not in fulfilling relationships.
Instead, I want to learn how to care and show people that I care. I want to learn how to love being myself enough to truly be “independent” (to the degree it makes sense). Learn how to be honest and vulnerable with my needs and wishes.
To end on the obligatory meta-ironic motivational note:
Say what you want.
Approach the people you like.
Tell them how much you like them.
Be stoic, but in a good way. You don’t need it from a specific person, because the people you like will likely like you back, eventually.
Because you are a likable, awesome person, and if they don’t see that, there’s no use.
Thanks for reading!
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Mystery is one of those words that does a lot of heavy lifting for any point in which it appears. I agree with your analysis why attempting to be mysterious didn't work. However, people who are already high prestige and have to separate themselves somewhat from others in order not to be overwhelmed can end up being mysterious.
Now that I think about it, this dovetails somewhat with what Robin Hanson has been saying recently about how looking afar works and how that relates to our concept of the sacred. Given that he is one of the top explainers currently alive, I won't attempt to summarize his points.