Remark:
This is a new format I want to try, where I publish things I’ve learned throughout the week, and see whether it’s interesting for anyone!
Conflicts
Oftentimes when you don’t know how/whether to say something it can be helpful to first talk about it on a meta-level. So e.g. you feel bothered by something another person did but are not sure whether to address that – address that!
Then the other person might say “I think if I did something that made you feel bad we should talk about it“, and then it’s much easier to talk about it!If there is something that bothers me, the way I want to talk about it with a person close to me, instead of “You do this I feel bad you change!! :((“ is “So here is something I’m experiencing – let’s explore it together!“.
This creates more of a “we“ instead of “you vs me“ vibe and has a bundle of really good effects:It makes it more productive because it is more solution-oriented and creates less of a defense reaction
Because of that, I feel more understood
And it prevents adjusting to the other person to an unhealthy degree
It is also an overall more pleasant experience that can lead to more closeness
which also makes it more likely to address things in the future
and thus improves the relationship quality
Don’t start potentially difficult conversations right before going to sleep. This is more of a reminder ofc, as it is simple in theory but moderately hard in practice
When people are upset about something most often it has less to do with the action itself and more with the underlying thing. This is important to recognise in the moment, because then you can tackle the actual cause
Self-Understanding
I think it is useful to ask myself why I connect strongly with certain artists or types of music.
E. g. I recently figured out that part of the reason I like Taylor Swift was because it was an outlet for my limerent tendencies – I felt understood by the lyrics and it helped me indulge in it.
Now that I’m overcoming limerence, I might not want to listen to a lot of the songs anymore
Brand New Brain/Addiction
To get rid of the negative addictive effects that my phone usage has on my brain I’ve found that the frequency of the engagement had a huge effect – just leaving it in another room for most of the day led my brain to get much closer to the Anabel2017 state, that I’ve been missing for so long
That is, feeling less cloudy and empty and instead having more frequent, high-quality, and focused thoughts.
It’s the kind of state where I get out of the shower and instead of thinking “Oh, I need to buy groceries later“, I’m having this next insight:
Attachment & Closeness
For a couple of months, I held back in a newer friendship of mine – I felt like this might become a very close one but often didn't dare to act like a close friend would because I wasn't sure we “are there yet” (even though the other person would actually show this level closeness!)
This is a common pattern, and it leads (best case) just to prolonging getting closer unnecessarily and thus more pain over the board! Because also very often when one shows more closeness the other person will reciprocate
I think for me it comes from attachment wounds. I wonder if you can heal those also just by showing a more securely attached behaviour, through rewiring?
New social situations and especially closer relationships show you things you need to learn, things that also hinder you in other areas but where you maybe before weren’t aware of them because they were more subtle there. That is because closer relations can act as an amplifier for those, dialing them up to a recognizable level
Effects of streaming services like Spotify on music
Shorter songs (because that makes more money through more replays because you feel unsatisfied at the end of the song, + it fits better to shorter attention spans)
More creativity, because the barrier to publishing songs is smaller, and you’re better found by niche audiences
How to balance life
Weekends are super important!!! That might seem totally obvious, but when you're self-employed or studying you can easily feel like you want to work every day, just because you want to reach your goals as fast as possible, and taking weekends (or even holidays, for some) off might seem like a waste of time
But it's in these times that some of the most valuable seeds get the space they need to grow
It's actually crazy not to take weekends off to do/work on whatever I want, because when else do I have the time and mental space to explore different important things?
Thinking
Different ways of note-taking allow different ways of thinking. Mind maps e.g. can be an awesome and in fact ridiculously efficient way to approach a problem because it makes you process information very differently! Especially for people who think in visual and more connected ways (probably gonna write a post about it)
When I look forward to something or somebody, the urge is always so much smaller close before (maybe it’s cause my dopamine system can then chill because it’s like “Okay yea we’re gonna get it soon anyway so don’t need to motivate towards it anymore?”) - so maybe a way to reduce the urge before, if it feels hindering, is to pretend also earlier that it’s gonna happen soon
It might seem a bit weird and unrealistic that this might work, but I’ve found that things like that work for me in the past
Being in close social situations like traveling/living together
Things that I’ve recognised again and again as very beneficial & solutions to common problems in these types of situations are:
Expectation management – Talk about which expectations, wishes, and needs you have for this situation. This will prevent feelings of pressure and misalignment that can otherwise easily arise.
An example is, you’re on holiday with a friend, and they want to do sightseeing but you just want to sit in flowery places and write blog posts.
Without talking about it you might just go along with what you think the other person expects to a larger degree than you’re happy with because you think you don’t want to disappoint their expectations – and I mean, the Eiffel Tower is pretty alright I guess.
And they might sit around with you in a park longer than comfortable when really they just want to see that big phallus building.
But if you address it you can just realize “Oh, we can also just do things separately and that’s fine!”
Scheduled Check-ins – It is very easy for dissatisfaction to build up more than necessary when you don’t have an explicit space for sharing it.
But through regularly sharing what you were happy with e.g. that day, with what not and how you’re really doing, you can prevent things from blowing up and be more connected
Through that, you are also prompted to check in with yourself, which is in turn also helpful for managing expectations!
Love
One challenge when you love someone is to balance turning toward the other person and toward yourself. You want to neither lose yourself in it by being too focused on them nor be too focused on yourself. I don’t yet quite know how to do that
Learning about love is also learning about self-love, and vice versa – they have the same properties! E.g.
Unconditional nature – loving for what it is, not just what they can do for you, not just when they act a certain way that benefits you, but loving every part, even the dabs of paint and misplaced strokes, because they’re part of this bigger, beautiful picture
Altruism – wanting the best for the other person even if it’s not the best for yourself (but balancing that)
Enthusiasm and creativity are a product of love
Tell me your thoughts! <3
& find my YouTube videos, music, and more here! 🍓
I completely agree with the frequency of phone interaction being the primary driver for the negative effects. I found that buying a tight-fitting phone sleeve from which the phone is cumbersome to remove helps a lot because every time I reach for my phone and try to remove it I am reminded of the mindlessness with which I am doing it. Decreased reaching for my phone by a solid 30% I would say!
Also, I love this format and I look forward to reading more of these! Time very well invested :)