How to Control Pressure (before it controls you)
...through understanding what it is
1873 words (~7 minutes)
I sold half my shit and traveled around the globe for somebody because I thought I had found love. When I finally arrived, I didn't feel it anymore.
I was devastated. And confused - had I really been that wrong? I tried to play it down and figure it out on my own, but nothing really helped. Then something interesting happened:
One evening, when I couldn't take it anymore, I let it all out and expressed my lack of feelings to him - and suddenly, the feelings came back. What? How did that work? Why did a feeling I had for weeks suddenly change within a few minutes?
Okay, here's a little hint for you: pressure.
(whaaat that's a crazy coincidence, isn't that the title of the post??)
Well observed. Pressure can have the nasty habit of making things that should flow naturally suddenly come to a halt. That is super annoying.
But here's the good news: I saved my relationship by managing to reduce pressure, and so can you.
The pressure part, I mean. I have no idea about your relationship status.
In order to control pressure we need to understand how it works.
Because sure, I could give you a list of 20 things that help somehow, but if we have a good model, it gives us much more power to apply it to whatever we want.
So first:
What is Pressure exactly?
We all know what it feels like, but try to define it and it's not that simple.
And that’s partly because we often confuse it with stress. But they’re two different things:
Pressure is the cause, it's the situation that throws us into a tailspin and demands a response. It's usually connected to goals and how we want things to turn out.
Stress is the effect, our physical or psychological reaction to that pressure (or ‘stressors’).
Something is putting pressure on me, so I feel stressed.
Because stress is the effect of pressure, the stress we feel is as high as the perceived pressure.
And that’s the key here: Perceived. Because it's not just about the objective circumstances, it's about our subjective interpretation of them. This is what determines how much we feel pressured and by what.
Two people can take the same exam and have completely different reactions: one finds it motivating, the other burdensome, and Amanda doesn't care at all.
This is good news: it means we have more influence on our stress than we think.
For example with a pressure reflection (insert pompous music here):
What do we feel pressured by at the moment?
Is the interpretation justified in its strength?
And if yes, what we can do to reduce the pressure?
For 2. and 3. it helps to understand what increases pressure subjectively.
So let's get practical. I'll introduce you to 3 relevant factors of pressure, show you how they played into my ~love story~ and how you can use the model in practice to reduce pressure effectively. Let's get to it.
X1: Stakes
Or: How big are the presumed consequences of whether or how successfully we react to the demands?
And these consequences don't always have to be directly material. They can also lie in how much we judge ourselves or how much we think others will judge us.
For example, if I fail an exam, it can have consequences for my self-image. Maybe I think that I am not that intelligent after all. Or my peers might think worse of me afterward, and that would be embarrassing.
Application:
If you notice that you feel pressured because you think the consequences are big it can help to first ask yourself if that would really be the case.
Get specific and consider the worst, best, and realistic outcomes. Chances are, you'll realize that you could deal with the worst and that you've been judging the situation too negatively.
And once you've evaluated that, maybe take steps to safeguard against the worst outcome, which will take even more pressure off.
That's exactly what I did in my own situation: I sat down and identified what was pressuring me (1). I noticed that I was feeling pressured because I subconsciously thought the consequences of not feeling that much for my partner were huge:
I'd have to find a new place to live and my self-esteem would take a hit. Others might trust my judgment less in the future because I had told everyone that I now had such a different image of love and that it isn't just a phase, mum.
But then, I checked if that interpretation was really justified (2) – turns out it wasn't.
If things didn't work out, I'd be free to pursue what I originally wanted and also have learned a lot that I wouldn't have been able to figure out if I hadn't taken the risk. And my friends and family would understand.
These insights alone reduced most of the pressure.
The final pressure point was my partner's reaction, but that dissipated when I stopped hiding it (3) and he had a chill response (which also showed me how I want to react in a situation where the other person is already under too much pressure).
We all know that suppressing negative emotions can reinforce them. Still, I’m always surprised how effective just talking about them or writing stuff down can be.
I also use this general technique when I can't sleep due to putting pressure on myself to sleep.
I remind myself that it's not the end of the world if I don't sleep and think about how I can create better sleeping conditions for the next day.
Then I distract myself from that pressure-causing thought by making up a good night story or listening to one. I do this on low volume, so I have to focus to understand and can fall asleep once my thoughts drift away.
Another aspect that influences how much we judge others or ourselves is
X2: Responsibility
How big is our responsibility for and influence on a successful response?
If we feel more responsible for the outcome, then this increases how strongly the achievement says something about us.
But responsibility also has an influence on pressure independent of judgment. If I am more responsible for something, there is more pressure on me to give a better response to demands.
Application
It can therefore be helpful to ask yourself how much responsibility and influence you really have here.
An example of this was my search for flatshares, where I was initially very stressed and down when it didn't work out.
I thought that if I didn't get in, it was because I had done something wrong, and I was nervous about the interviews - until a friend pointed out that I was probably assigning too much influence to myself, and that there were a lot of other factors outside of my control.
So just as it's bad to think we have no influence and are stuck in a victim role, or to not take responsibility for our actions, it's also bad to assume more responsibility than we actually have, and if it doesn't work out, to falsely judge ourselves hardcore.
<Smooth transition incoming> Another big factor that makes looking for a flatshare so stressful is, of course, also
X3: Uncertainty
Uncertainty. It's that nagging feeling that we get when we're trying to successfully respond to pressure. The question that looms in the back of our minds: "How likely is it that I'll actually pull this off?"
And here's the thing: that uncertainty is directly tied to how difficult we perceive the goal to be in relation to our own abilities. Factors like skills, time, help, and information all play a role in determining how uncertain we feel.
So, what can we do about it?
Application
Well, first off, we need to evaluate our own interpretation of the situation. Ask yourself: "What's the real probability of success here?"
If we have a skewed image of ourselves, like through low self-confidence, we might perceive the odds of success to be lower than they actually are. And that can lead to unnecessary pressure and even self-fulfilling prophecies and negative spirals.
To get a better grip on things, write down what you think the outcome will be and with what probability. Then, check back and see if you were right. This can help you make better assessments in the future by updating your beliefs.
Another question to ask yourself is: are my standards reasonable? Or am I being too perfectionistic?
To feel more confident it can help to arm yourself with the right resources. That means getting more time, help, or information when you need it. Work on your skills. For the information and skills, it can help to rehearse the specific pressure situation, whether that's through visualization or by putting yourself in realistic circumstances.
Write down all the contingencies, too. What's plan A, B, and C? What do you do if within those this, this or this happens?
As you start thinking about the individual factors, you might realize that you’ve misjudged the pressure situation and that your response isn't actually that useful - which can be an important realization as it influences how you spend your time.
Maybe you've been stressing out about this exam but then you realize you don't really give a shit about the result and can now meet up with friends. Or you'll realize you should quit your studies… (just brainstorming here.)
Another thing to keep in mind is that how many pressure points exist in your life can have an influence on the general feeling of pressure. In that case, it might make sense to tackle the bigger or easier ones first, so you have the mental capacity for the rest.
Summary
Pressure is the thing that causes stress.
This then leads to perfectly normal things no longer working.
We often perceive pressure as being way higher than it actually is, which leads to unnecessary stress.
So next time you're feeling stressed, do a pressure reflection. Ask yourself: What's pressuring me? Is my interpretation of it realistic? That means, is it really that important and uncertain, and am I really that responsible for it? Based on your answers, see if there's anything you can do to reduce the pressure.
In this post, we focused on reducing pressure. But here's the thing: sometimes, the problem isn't too much pressure - it's too little. In a future post, I'll share how I used pressure effectively to write my bachelor thesis in just one week. So stay tuned.
Limitations & Outlook (so scientific)
This is by no means a perfect definition, so if you have any ideas regarding this, I'd love to hear them from you <random person reading this> to create an even more helpful model!
Other interesting questions related to pressure and stress are:
How do different origins of pressure affect the type of stress generated?
What is an optimal stress level, how is that characterized, how does it feel?
Does what is optimal also depend on the type of task, e. g. whether it is a creative or purely executive one?
-> Research suggests that stress affects creativity, for example, but not necessarily in a negative way, depending on the level and type of pressure, among other things.
How can an optimal stress level be achieved? And connected to this,
What exactly are eustress and distress, also biologically?
What are they caused by?
And is eustress = optimal stress level, or what is the relationship there?
This blog post is based on the definitions in the APA (1, 2, 3), the book Performing Under Pressure, and my own thoughts.
For more, watch my video version of the article:
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